Victim vs. Player conundrum

How are you actively navigating through this?

Hi! This is Zubin 👋

I share new skills and ideas every week to help develop your career without losing the real YOU.

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I have been thinking a lot about my first leadership training I attended in 2019.

That is where I learnt about the “player” versus “victim” mentality. The training was based a book called Conscious Business by Fred Kofman.

Fred says:

“You must take unconditional responsibility; you need to see yourself as a ‘player,’ as a central character who has contributed to shape the current situation — and who can thus affect its future.

This is the opposite of seeing yourself as a ‘victim,’ subject to forces beyond your control. The player is in the game and can affect the result. The victim is out of the game and can only suffer the consequences of others’ actions.”

This bold definition still reminds me to “own my commitments” and take responsibility for my actions. This book taught me to stop saying things like, “Sorry I submitted the report past the deadline because my team couldn’t understand the ask,” and replace them with “Sorry I submitted the report late, as I didn’t clarify the ask well within my team.”

The problem is, when you start thinking that everything in your career is a result of someone else’s actions, you usually don’t believe that you need to take charge.

You may constantly complain about your job, but you won’t look for a new one; or you may think your boss is a jerk, but you never initiate any conversations to improve your relationship.

You choose to stay right where you are — stuck, tired, and feeling unwanted.

I believe everyone has the ability to convert any level of a victim mindset into a player mindset. The degrees may way, the time to leap from one to another my vary, but this is possible.

Here’s my four-step plan for recognising those harmful thoughts, taking some responsibility for your circumstances, and changing your career for the better.

The leap from ‘Victim’ to "‘Player’

Step-1: Observe

Pay attention to your words and emotions in an interaction. Especially those interactions where you feel threatened. You may be questioned about a report, or about your tardiness, or the quality of deliverables. Observe the situation carefully. make a mental note of your feelings and how did you respond.

Step-2: Acknowledge

This is the tough part. Start with accepting that you could have responded to something in a haste only to protect yourself from a penalty. The penalty does not have to be big (e.g., getting fired), as even small penalties (e.g., boss being unhappy) could make you react in a certain way. Once you acknowledge, write it down. Revisit what you wrote so you can remind yourself of the event. There is also an opportunity to ask a confidant at work about your behaviour. Having honest 1:1s are the best tools I have used during my professional development, instead of sitting on a pile of assumptions.

Step-3: Be accountable and proactive

Take baby steps to be accountable. First to yourself, then to your work, then towards your team/s and then your superiors. Accountability starts within and if you skip that, you will fall back into the victim zone soon enough. Learn to rebuild trust with your co-workers by performing small but meaningful acts.

Be proactive. Setup a meeting in advance. Leave sooner to avoid traffic. Set internal deadlines different than external ones. Think two steps ahead of the crowd, and you will have already made the bold move into the ‘player’ zone.

Step-4: Practice gratitude

A great way to start overcoming victim mentality is taking some time each week to focus on the things you have to be grateful for at work: a salary that pays your mortgage, healthcare benefits, more skills to add on your CV, great friends in your co-workers.

Better yet, share that gratitude in the workplace. Tell your co-workers that you appreciate them, offer a helping hand to others, and compliment your manager. These seem like small things, but they go a long way.

It’s tough to feel like a victim when you’re busy being grateful.

In conclusion

We can all fall into a victim mindset (even if momentarily) because it can feel easier and better in the moment; but in the long term, this can get in the way of effective problem-solving and living with integrity.

I leave you with these questions to reflect upon:

1. When has being a victim come up in your own life, and how would you like to reframe that mindset to a player?

2. Think about an example of a victim mentality in one of your direct reports. How will you help that person navigate from victim to player?

3. How do you want to use this knowledge moving forward?

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1 Quote I like this week:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

Epicurus, on contentment.

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That’s all this week. If you liked reading, please share this newsletter with your friends and colleagues.

I coach highly motivated managers, executives and entrepreneurs through their career dilemmas, and help them take the leap from a victim to player mindset.

To book a free coaching discovery call, click here.

If you are seeking mentoring, find me on Topmate or ADPList.

Or just drop by on LinkedIn to say hi!

Always rooting for your success,

Zubin 👋